These Hands
by Shiruy
Summary: .:These hands are holding me, Keeping me grounded in this world:. Sometimes, Kaoru wants to scream. KaoxHika, HikaxHaru
1. These Hands

Title: These Hands

Author: Shiruy

Pairing: Hikaru/Kaoru, Hikaru/Haruhi

* * *

_These hands are holding me,_

* * *

_He shouldn't have __followed them. He knew that it was a bad idea and he curses himself for his stupid… curiosity? Worry? He can't even name the feeling. He watches as his twin sneaks an arm around her shoulders and all he can think is _nononononopleaseno_- but it doesn't stop. _

_She tries to grab some popcorn but Hikaru is faster and holds it out of her reach, a teasing smile lighting up his face. She pouts and he gives in and feeds her a few pieces, all the while smiling that quiet, gentle smile that means so much more than his boisterous laughter._

_Kaoru feels sick._

* * *

_Keeping me grounded in this world,_

* * *

"Kaochan." 

Warm breath tickled his ear and a hand was slowy stroking up and down his spine. He sighed quietly and snuggled up to the lean body beside his. He didn't want to wake up, didn't want to face another day quite so soon.

"Kaoru…" He felt soft lips wander over his neck and chin and smiled softly as his twin gave him a little peck. Hikaru was always the most affectionate in the mornings. "You've got to wake up now, little brother, or we'll be late for school."

He grumbled quietly but complied and slowly opened his eyes, blinking against the sun falling into them over Hikaru's shoulder. His brother was laying on his side, propped up on an arm and smiling down at Kaoru, his free hand now drawing little circles on the younger's naked back.

"I don't want to get up yet…" He knew he was whining, but it was _sooo_ comfortable, and in the last few weeks waking up like this had become a rarity. He wanted to enjoy it.

Hikaru laughed and leaned down to rub his nose against his twin's, making Kaoru wonder hazily why the older one was in such a good mood. Normally, Kaoru was the more snuggly one of the two. "Sorry, but we really have to get up now. I want to speak with Haruhi before class starts, so we'll have to get there a bit earlier than usual."

Immediately, Kaoru felt his mood plummeting while his twin sat up and got out of the bed, starting for their shared bathroom. It wasn't that he didn't like Haruhi, because Kaoru liked her. A lot, actually. It was nice, being acknowledged as his own person and not just someone easily interchangable with his twin. But it would have been even nicer if she would stop taking up Hikaru's every thought, no matter if she did it intentionally or not.

He slowly sat up, letting the blanket pool around his waist, and contemplatively stared at the half open bathroom door. At first, he had been the only one to notice how Hikaru's view of Haruhi had shifted. They usually saw the people around them as their playthings, toys to amuse themselves with, but with the arrival of the new member of the host club, things had changed.

"Kaoru? Are you up?"

Hikaru stuck his head out the door, checking if his brother had fallen asleep again, and the younger of the two felt a small smile automatically forming on his lips. He finally stood up and stretched, showing his twin that he was indeed up.

"Don't worry, we'll be on time. Why d'you want to talk to Haruhi before class anyway? You can easily do that during Host Club hours." He followed his brother to the bathroom and leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Yes, but if I try to talk to her with the others around it's guaranteed that someone will interrupt us."

Kaoru sighed and slowly walked into the room, stopping behind his brother who was standing in front of the mirror and trying to get his hair in order. "And what's so important that you need to talk to her alone?" He leaned into his brother's back and rested his chin on Hikaru's shoulder, slowly sneaking an arm around the other's waist.

"I, err…" Kaoru cocked his head to the side, looking up at his brother out of the corner of his eye as Hikaru stared straight at their reflection, a light blush adorning his cheeks.

"You… what?" He kept his voice even with only the slightest trace of curiosity in it and closed his eyes, hiding the faint hurt that crept up on him more and more often in situations like this. Hikaru used to tell him everything, no matter how embarrassing it was. What had changed?

He felt the other tense and take a deep breath, then the older twin said, "I want to ask Haruhi to go out with me tomorrow. On a date." Then he sagged against Kaoru and closed his eyes, too. He was surprised how hard it had been to admit that to his own twin.

"A date?" Kaoru's voice was calm, contemplating. Not at all like the storm that was raging inside of him.

"A date." He felt Hikaru's nod and opened his eyes again, staring at their reflection. They looked different for once, Hikaru combed and perfect while Kaoru still looked like he just fell out of bed. Somehow, that made everything even worse.

He leaned back a bit and started to bite and nibble at the juncture of his twin's neck and shoulder, smiling a bit as he felt a shudder run through the other. Hikaru laid his head back onto Kaoru's shoulder, keeping his eyes closed, and sighed contentedly. This was familiar, safe.

"You think she'll say yes?"

The younger twin paused in his activity and felt a bitter smile tug at his lips. The expression looked unusually sinister on his face, but what was he supposed to do? Even laying in his arms Hikaru was still thinking about her. Was she that important? That special? And if she was, why couldn't Kaoru see that?

He shoved the thoughts away and smiled reassuringly as Hikaru opened his eyes again. "Of course she'll say yes. Just make sure she knows it's a date, or she'll think it's just a friends-thing."

The younger twin resumed nibbling at the other's neck and got a quiet hum for his efforts, showing that Hikaru would take his advice. Kaoru thought it was rather ironic how different their 'brotherly love' act was from reality. In a way, they were a lot closer than their act implied, but at the same time, as hosts they constantly pretended to cross lines they would never cross in their normal lifes.

For their audience, they loudly proclaimed their love for each other when in reality, they never lost a word about their relationship. They didn't need to say things like 'I love you' when the way Hikaru relaxed into Kaoru's caress said so much more.

"Kaoru?"

"Hm?" He slowly dragged his tongue over the other's neck and then blew at the spot, soothing the slightly reddened skin and eliciting another shiver.

"Why don't we eat out tonight? We can give the cook the day off and go to that Italian restaurant we both like."

He felt a smile blossom on his face and couldn't quite stifle the happy chuckle that escaped him. "That's a great idea! It's been some time since we did something without the Host Club."

Hikaru lifted a hand and searched out his twin's free one, gripping it gently. His smile was somewhere between surprised and wistful. "You're right. It's been some time."

* * *

_And I try to hold on so tightly,_

* * *

_Not even half an hour has passed since the movie started but already he can't stand it anymore. They're so _happy _and he knows that they have every right to be, so the anger and resentment burning in his blood never really reach him and instead, guilt is clawing at his heart. He wants to be happy for them so badly, but all he can do is taste the choppery tang of blood as he bites his lip to keep from doing something he will regret. _

_Something happens in the movie and everyone around him screams__ or jumps, but all he sees is the way she clutches his hand as if it's her last lifeline and how Hikaru tugs her firmly against his side, his eyes shining like they only do when he's honestly and completely happy. _

_His hands hurt because he's gripping the armrests of his chair too hard and his knuckles have turned white but he doesn't even notice. He stares at familiar pale red hair and silently implores Hikaru to turn around, to look at him and smile and be just as happy as with her. _

_But he doesn't turn around and after a few minutes the empty hole in his stomach has grown so big that it's gnawing at his heart. _

_He's not aware that he's stood up until he's almost out of the theatre and even then he doesn't stop. He's not running and he's not crying, his face a calm mask of bored indifference. It had been stupid to come here. What had he hoped would happen? Hikaru's falling in love with Haruhi and it looks like she might return his feelings. _

_The sun's low and dyes the grey pavement a warm, reddish gold. Kaoru's freezing. _

* * *

_But the hands are slipping,_

* * *

Kaoru's eyes followed his twin as he hung off Haruhi's elbow, talking animatedly about something or other, not even noticing that one half of their duo wasn't there with them. This happened more and more often these days, and Kaoru shuddered to think of the day when Hikaru would stop expecting him to be at his side. It was selfish, to want to keep Hikaru to himself forever… but he'd been selfish all his life, so why would he stop now? 

He leaned back against the wall and buried his hands in his pockets, listening to the aimless chatter and giggling around him. Maybe he should be getting back to his guests, but the three girls seemed to be happy enough squealing over Hikaru playing with a clueless Haruhi's hair.

"Kaoru?"

He briefly glanced up as Tamaki came to a stop beside him, mimicking his position and leaning against the wall, but before long his gaze was drawn back to his other half. "Hn?"

"What's wrong with you today? I'm starting to think you want to compete with Mori about who's more taciturn."

He shrugged and slowly let his eyes fall closed, the last thing he saw being Hikaru draping his arm over Haruhi's shoulders. It hurt. He knew it was stupid, he should be happy for his twin, but damn, it _hurt_.

"Just a headache. Hikaru's making up for me and the guests are happy, so don't complain."

He felt warm breath on his skin as Tamaki leaned closer and he instinctively let his head fall onto the tall blond's shoulder. He missed being so close to someone all the time.

"Is it bad? Do you need to see a doctor?"

Tamaki sounded honestly worried and when an arm wound around Kaoru's waist to steady the supposedly sick redhead he found himself wishing that he really _were _ill, then he'd have a reason to stay like this some more. As it were he cuddled against the other's side, taking as much comfort as he could, before pushing off the wall and giving the blond an impish grin.

"Oh Tamaki, I never knew you cared! That is sooooo sweet of you!" He fawned over the other, making sure to sound as 'Kaoru' as possible. Tamaki laughed and ruffled the redhead's hair, shaking his head at the exaggerated display.

"Okay, well, if it gets worse go home and rest, we don't want you getting sick."

With that he ambled away and as soon as Kaoru was sure that Tamaki's full attention was on his guests the smile vanished from his lips. Maybe he really should go home.

* * *

_Faster and faster,_

* * *

_The loud bass is driving all thoughts from his mind and he dances for hours on end, sometimes alone, sometimes with random people, and he feels alive like he hasn't in a long time. _

_And if it's a man who winds an arm around his waist and asks him if he wants to drink something, who cares? And if the guy is handsome, maybe in his twenties, and has a smile that makes him feel special, so what? And if he can feel lips brushing against his skin when the other leans closer to be heard over the loud music, what does it hurt? _

_It's nice. It feels good. Something that feels good can't be wrong, right? _

_And if the many drinks he has consumed make the room spin, and the guy asks him if he wants to come over to his place, why not? _

_He wants to__ forget. _

* * *

_And it's oh so very e__asy _

* * *

"Kaoru!" 

The younger twin glanced up as his brother skidded around the corner, stopping before him and trying to get his breath back. An exhilarated smile lit the older one's face and Kaoru forced himself to at least look happy.

Host Club hours had been over for ten minutes, but Hikaru had stayed back to talk to Haruhi since he hadn't managed to do so before school.

"She said yes! I asked her to go to the movies with me and she said yes! I'm going to pick her up at six, I'll take her to a restaurant and after that we'll go to the movies. And it'll be a commoner date, meaning it'll be a normal restaurant! This is so great!"

Kaoru felt like he wanted to grab one of the ridiculously expensive vases that for some reason were found at practically every corner in this school and smash it against a wall. Instead, he smiled.

"So you have one day to prepare for your date?"

Hikaru's smile dimmed a little and made place for nervousness. "Uh, no, she doesn't have time tomorrow so we agreed to go out today. Can you help me pick out an outfit? I only have two hours to decide!"

Today? But they already had plans for this evening! Had Hikaru forgotten all about eating out tonight? Was Kaoru that easy to forget?

"But… I…" He didn't want to believe it, but it seemed like he really was that easy to forget. Hikaru looked confused at his hesitation to help and Kaoru cursed himself and his selfishness. He was supposed to be happy for his twin. He forced a delighted smile onto his lips.

"Of course I'll help you! Come on, we have to hurry." He grabbed Hikaru's wrist and started to drag him down the hallway, all the while planning his twins outfit out loud. Hikaru smiled happily and let himself be dragged. The older twin felt like he had forgotten something, but whatever. It couldn't have been that important, he had a date with Haruhi after all! And nothing was important compared to that.

* * *

_To __give up and_

* * *

_The morning is cold__ and painful. _

* * *

_To be lost._

* * *

End

Maybe I'll add a second chapter some time in the future, but for now it's a one-shot. If the time-jumps got you confused, the chronological order is like this: First come the scenes in normal script, then it again starts at the top this time in italics.

Thanks for reading and please tell me what you think about the story!

Shiruy


	2. Slipping

Yay, I finally managed to finish the second chapter of These Hands! Thanks to the people who reviewed, without you I never would have bothered to keep working on this. Now let's only hope the third chapter doesn't take me another six months... 

I'm not sure this chapter came out exactly as I wanted it to, especially since I got a few scenes back I wrote quite a long time ago and mixed them into what I already had. Not too much happens, it just further shows Kaoru's feelings. Have fun reading! 

* * *

_In case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see_

_This is my heart bleeding before you_

_This is me down on my knees_

* * *

_Something is digging into your back and you know that come tomorrow, you'll have a rather painful bruise there, but right now another heavy body is pressing you into the mattress and warms hands are wandering all over your body and you really try, but you just can't bring yourself to care. _

* * *

„Kaoru! Where the hell have you been?! I was worried sick when you didn't come home and the maids didn't know where you went!"

The younger twin watched as his brother ran towards him, slightly amused by how frantic he seemed. Really, it wasn't that big a deal, was it? He had spent a night out, so what? Hikaru had been busy anyway, hadn't he? His thoughts were interrupted as Hikaru reached him and practically tackle-hugged him.

"Promise me you'll tell someone when you plan on going who-knows-where. Just where have you been?"

Kaoru slowly brought his arms up to return his brother's embrace, his tone tired and contrite but with a smile on his lips as he answered. Someday they would reach the point at which Hikaru would stop expecting Kaoru at his side, but the younger twin had reason to hope that it wouldn't be any time soon.

* * *

_Hot breath on your shoulder blades and you gasp as a sharp pain races up your spine, the guy behind you moaning loudly. Some small, forgotten part of you screams at you that you shouldn't be doing this, that you'll regret it, that it's wrongwrongwrong - but there are big, firm hands on your hips, guiding your body in a rhythm it's quickly becoming familiar with and _oh god, _you want to be wanted so badly, so it's all worth it._

* * *

He wound a strand of Hikaru's hair around his finger, twirled it this way and that, and contemplated the events of the last 24 hours. It was kind of funny, he supposed. Or not. He had spied on his brother's date, ran away because he couldn't stand the sight of his twin liking someone outside their world and allowed himself to get wasted, causing him to give his virginity away to the next best stranger. 

Maybe he should feel shocked, or guilty, or at least depressed, but now, laying here on their bed with Hikaru fast asleep next to him, a vaguely comforting sense of emptiness was filling him. He had told his brother that he had gone out to eat at some fancy restaurant since they had sent the cook home yesterday, and because he wasn't in the mood to go home he had spent the night at a hotel. 

Hikaru had looked sceptical, but was much too tired to do anything about his suspicions, and so they had decided to skip school and go to bed. The older twin had fallen asleep the second his head hit the pillow, leaving a slightly amused Kaoru to crawl into bed and settle down next to him. 

And that was where he found himself now, laying there with his face propped up on his hand, playing with Hikaru's hair and wondering what the hell was wrong with him. He couldn't remember too much, but he got the impression that last night had been fun. (And the hickeys on his hipbone were confirming that theory.) It had been purely physical, a nice distraction from the possessive rage seething just under his skin. 

He sighed and lowered his forehead to the mattress, staring blankly at the white cloth beneath him, pure and unstained, only a little bit crinkled where he had lain. He rolled onto his side and studied his twin for the billionth time, feeling a slight smile tug at his lips. Hikaru looked like an angel, bronze skin on white sheets. 

The dark bruise visible when he tugged his shorts down a bit throbbed painfully. He felt out of place. 

* * *

_The steam from the shower has fogged up the ceiling high mirror you're standing before and you're dripping water all over the floor, but you don't care. It's not your bathroom. Bright sunlight is streaming through the window and there are twentythree missed calls on your cell. You're staring at the bruises on your hips and wonder whether Hikaru will notice. _

* * *

It was funny how time just went on as if nothing had happened. Over the next few days Hikaru and Kaoru continued their brotherly-love-act. An oblivious Tamaki tried to court an even more oblivious Haruhi. Mori was silent, Honi was crazy about sweets and Kyouya was scarily manipulative. And yet, a few little things _had _changed. 

Once the twins finished with their act, Hikaru usually ran over to Haruhi and proceeded to fiddle with her hair or her clothes, talking a mile a minute. Kaoru used that time to entertain a few guests on his own or he pretended to be heart-broken over Hikaru having left him, and got Tamaki to comfort him (The only one who noticed that Kaoru was simply diverting Tamaki's attention from Haruhi was Kyouya).

And the whole time Kaoru thought that any minute now, they would see. 

One one hand he knew it wasn't obvious that he had lost his virginity, but on the other... There was something fundamentally different about Hikaru and Kaoru now, and the latter knew it was his fault. If he hadn't been so stupid and thought Hikaru would be his forever, then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much now. Because to the others everything was as usual and he knew that not even Kyouya noticed how his twin's gaze tended to linger on Haruhi's face until she looked up and caught him, or how she blushed when it happened. 

He wished he wouldn't notice either. 

* * *

_You wonder how you can smile when everything inside you is breaking, but maybe you're being too much of a drama queen. Hikaru is right beside you, you're walking to your room, and sunlight is streaming through the windows. It's a beautiful day and you laugh at all the right places as Hikaru tells you about his date with Haruhi. As if you hadn't been there. _

_You walk so closely together that your shoulders are constantly brushing and when you turn the corner to the out-of-the-way hallway that leads to your room your wonder what it would be like to push Hikaru up against the wall and kiss him senseless, what it would feel like to sneak your hands beneath your brother's waistband and make him moan your name. _

_Then Hikaru's cell rings and with a glance at the display he happily declares that it's Haruhi. You kick the wall as your twin runs off to talk to her in private. _

* * *

Kaoru smiled as he watched his brother serve tea to a few giggly girls, grinning rakishly at them and making one of them swoon. Things were back to normal, he supposed, or maybe he only wanted them to be. He knew that Hikaru tended to stare at Haruhi now more than ever, but as long as he didn't acknowledge it, it couldn't hurt him. Right?

He knew that at least Kyoya suspected that something was wrong with him – the way his dark haired friend's eyes followed him didn't allow him to come to any other conclusion. But he ignored that, too, and instead chose to laugh at Tamaki as the blond once again fell into the role of concerned daddy. It was rather hilarious, the way their leader constantly confused his to everyone else rather obvious feelings, but a bit annoying, too. If only Tamaki would finally make a move on Haruhi, then maybe Hikaru would…

He forbade himself to think any further. He was supposed to be happy for his brother and support him, not hope another guy came in and destroyed Hikaru's and Haruhi's budding relationship. In fact, he had sworn to himself that he would be happy for his brother… or at least try to be.

A few girls came over to him and automatically, a charming but empty smile sprung onto his lips. He was rather happy about the distraction, not liking the way his mind was spiralling down into depressing thoughts once again. He flirted with them for a few minutes, gradually slipping more into his role as host and forgetting about his troubles, when out of nowhere, a certain someone wound his arms around the younger twin's waist.

"Kaoru…"

He shivered as he felt Hikaru's breath caress his ear and was glad that he could pretend his blush was faked. The girls squealed happily and he leaned his head back onto Hikaru's shoulder, looking up at him out of the corner of his eye.

"What is it, Hikaru? You surprised me…"

He trailed off and coyly averted his gaze, feeling the older twin's shoulder's shake a bit as he barely held in a snicker at his twin's exaggerated acting.

"I'm sorry, brother. I just wanted to ask if you are mad at me? We usually shower together but lately…"

Once again the girls squealed and one of them fainted. Kaoru's stomach churned. Five days after the… _incident_, the numerous marks on his hips and chest still hadn't faded completely and in order to hide them from Hikaru, he had invented some excuse to avoid their showers and otherwise made sure to never undress in front of his brother. 

It was rather underhanded to ask him in front of the girls what was wrong. It put pressure on him not to muck up their performance and the relationship they displayed to their guests, and for a moment he wasn't sure if Hikaru really knew what he was doing. A coy glance at the other's eyes showed though that Hikaru was quite aware of the fact that he was putting his brother on the spot, and Kaoru angrily gnashed his teeth while giving his twin a sickenly sweet smile. He would _not _let Hikaru get away with forcing an answer out of him. 

"Oh, it's just..." Kaoru turned in Hikaru's arms to look up at him and trailed his right hand down his brother's chest, only stopping when he could hook his fingers into the other's belt loops. He felt Hikaru tense against him and had to suppress a wicked grin from surfacing. 

"I always feel so strange lately when I look at you..." He trailed off and looked at Hikaru from beneath his lashes, forcing an embarrassed blush onto his face. The girls were hanging on to Kaoru's every word. 

"I think that maybe..." He leaned into the other and layed his head onto Hikaru's shoulder, so that his lips brushed against his twin's neck when he spoke. His voice had dropped to a low, husky whisper. "...it's inappropriate..." 

Around them there was an explosion of screams and squeals and several girls fainted dead away, but Kaoru didn't pay attention to any of that. He watched as Hikaru's eyes widened in surprise and a hot blush spread over the older twin's cheeks, a feeling of twisted satisfaction in his stomach at the way he could influence the other. 

Then Hikaru jumped away from him to help wake up the unconscious girls and satisfaction quickly turned into cold, heavy desperation. 

* * *

_You don't know how late it is, but it's pitch black outside and you know you should have fallen asleep long ago. The one next to you is breathing deeply and evenly and has been dead to the world for at least two hours now, oblivious to the way you can't stop staring at him. You need to sleep, you __**want **__to sleep, but the moment you close your eyes those memories are back, only this time it's not some stranger touching you but someone that could have stepped out of your mirror and you shudder as heat races through your veins. _

_It would be so easy to scoot over and touch him, run your hand over his chest, taste his skin and tangle your fingers in his hair. He would sleep right through it. He would never know... _

_Your heart beats a horrified drum roll as you stumble out of bed and run from your room, from your house, from your feelings. How could you even **think**_...?

* * *

He leaned his forehead against the cool glass and stared blindly out into the rain, wondering when the sky had gotten so dark. His limbs felt heavy and his head pounded in synch with his heart, the sound combining with the murmur of rain to a white noise that drowned out his thoughts. 

"Kaoru?" There was the sound of footsteps coming closer and he slowly let his eyes fall closed. Maybe if he pretended the world didn't exist, the world would pretend he didn't exist either. That would be nice… 

"Kaoru." Warm arms wound around his waist and a chest pressed against his back, hot breath ghosting over his neck making a shudder race down his spine. He tensed. "Are you alright?"

He wanted to laugh, to scream, to tell his brother that _No, he wasn't alright,_ but he knew that he could never do that. Instead he shrugged and leaned forward against the cold glass, away from the enticing warmth of the body behind him. He felt Hikaru clench his hands into fists and rest his forehead between the younger twin's shoulder blades and concentrated on the cold seeping into his skin, making him slowly go numb. 

"Please tell me what's wrong." The voice was almost a whisper and something inside of him broke as he heard how confused and hurt Hikaru sounded. His twin shouldn't be sad, after all, it was all Kaoru's own fault. If he weren't so stupid…

"Nothing's wrong." He felt Hikaru flinch and couldn't stop a small ironic smile from flitting over his lips. He was so tired of pretending, of trying to ignore what his heart was screaming at him. He just didn't have the energy to keep the cold, the hurt from seeping into his voice anymore. Well, maybe it would make Hikaru leave him alone. He couldn't bear to watch his brother worry over him, but at the same time he couldn't push him away. It would be best if Hikaru saw on his own that he wasn't worth the pain. 

"Stop lying." It was his turn to flinch as lips ghosted over his exposed neck, making heat race through his body and chasing away the coldness crawling through his veins. He flexed his fingers as he got a weird tingly feeling in them. 

"You don't want to hear the truth." 

* * *

_You know that your decision to come here again can lead to nothing good, but that doesn't stop you from doing it anyway. You need something to distract you, to chase your thoughts away and to make you forget about everything you want to run form. _

_It only takes a few minutes to find someone who is interested and it takes even less for him to push you against a wall and start kissing you. You drown yourself in passion and need and at one point you almost think that it's enough._

_Then you open your eyes and reality is back._

* * *

End.

A very wise friend once told me 'There can never be too much angst.' and since then I swore to live by that motto. Seems like I'm doing good, huh? 

Hope you liked it,

Shiruy


End file.
